“PRIVACY is something you ‘give’ someone out of respect. SECRECY is something you ‘withhold’ from one another.”~ Dr Laura Schlessinger

So, I was having a conversation with a group of friends and the topic of couples having passwords on their phones came up. This brought up a lot of back and forth among us as the group was split. While some felt each party in a relationship should have that privacy with their phone, some others reasoned that this was wrong. As especially in a marriage where two supposedly become one, literally. My take on this is quite simple. I believe before we “couple up” we live individual/different lives. It’s a daunting task to believe once you become a couple, the man and woman should immediately assimilate their lives into one. How possible is that? There are conversations you may have with your parents or siblings about family issues or matters that you may not want you significant other to be involved with as it will be of no benefit to him or her. I think there should always be an element of privacy to some degree in a relationship. Now, understand that privacy is different from secrecy.  Privacy entails you having your own personal space and as long as the relationship is a healthy one, this should bring about trust and respect.

Secrecy on the other hand is being deceitful. Secrecy hurts a relationship as it entails lies and cover ups. Privacy should be distinguished from secrecy as these two concepts are not interchangeable. While having the above conversation with my friends, one stated she has the password to her husband’s phone as she could not be with a man who hid things from her as this would seriously impede her trust for her husband. I asked her a few questions. The first was if her husband had done something to make her have trust issues, which she vaguely answered by stating not necessarily. Next, I asked her if she checked her husband’s phone regularly and if she has seen any incriminating information since having the password. She stated she checks her husband’s phone at will, whenever she “feels” he is up to something. And so far, she has seen a few incriminating information. Although, on further inquiry, the supposed information was not as incriminating as she initially thought. I then asked her how she knew her husband was not deleting supposedly incriminating information before she has access to the phone. She said if he had time to cover his tracks, then he must have a lot of spare time on his hands and she will not think of that and give herself high blood pressure.

Now, I’m a firm believer each party in a relationship should have some degree of privacy. I must state though that this depends on the couple and the level of trust and mutual respect each person has for the other. For a relationship that has been hit hard by a lack of trust, asking for privacy might be asking for too much. I also think that privacy should be earned in this instance. Once there is no trust in the relationship, you cannot fight/cry for privacy. Fix your trust issues first, then earn trust and respect which should naturally lead to a healthy extension of privacy.

Let me state once again that some degree of privacy might not work in some relationships due to trust issues, but if you have a healthy relationship, some degree of privacy can be healthy. Your significant other might feel choked and overwhelmed if you’re the type that has all his/her passwords and you check phones and devices. And if you do have a relationship where some degree of privacy is mutually extended, do not abuse the privilege. It’s okay to have privacy but not secrecy. Know the difference.